eternally forty-nine

thanks you once again for all your kind words and well wishes.

i got some privately this time, and they mean so much to me.

my health seems to be fakking and at rapid rate, and i don't know how much time i have left. i am going to be doing my darnedest to fight this off...but as you know my days are numbered. i will write next time i collect my thoughts together.

yesterday was wonderful. i felt like a queen for a day. the memories boxes were especially wonderful....fulled with things like lasting memmories....

the whole reality

its been two weeks of reality
i am wheepy all the time
friends are on vacation,
i miss them dearly
i can scarcely hold them
we talk everyday

my whole world is falling in me
and its happening too fast
its only been 10 months
from surgery to this shit
pleez tell it to slow down

thank you shawn for my healing bracelet
:o)

the word is not good

big alwhe

Faye

i only just got off
the phone with faye
my dear and trusted
neurologist
she asked what she could do
for me,
i told her to just
'tell me the truth'

i asked her does all this mean
'the beginning of the end'
she hemmed and hawed a little
but said yes, it does.

i didn't dare ask her
a time frame.
i just could't

i will see her today
she asked if we will be around
later in the day to see my
dr. mcdreamy, aka: dr kader,
for his evaluation.

then, who knows?

one thing is for certain:
a family meeting is a must.
but with zack being at bad camp all week,
zoe is growing suspicios at all my tears.
i must keep them at bay until thursday

shit, this sucks.
BIG time!

not-so-good-news

the past few weeks have
been tough on me
even tho i go to the gym
started working on those
gosh darn machines,
for legs & arms
i even took walking tours of philly
but
i can't seem to turn the corner
i continue to shake, wobble and roll

well it just so happened
that i had a Dr D appointment
and an MRI this week.
he said he was concerned
about my right-side weakness
and other deficits...

turns out he was right,
and so was faye when rick spoke
with her
they won't know unless we
biopsy it
it just looks like a mass
for now.

they all agreed to put me back
on decadron (the steroids)
because while all agree
it wrecks havoc on my body,
it certainly helps to reduce
the inflamation in my brain

i was soooo not ready for this!
i was bouyed by all your prayers
and loving thoughts.
please oh please
keep me in them tonite

big, phat phun in philly!

rick and i got out of dodge,
and high-tailed to philly.
i had been looking forward
to this for some time,
to see king tut exhibition,
univ of penn
with their outstanding
archeology and anthroplogy museum
have cheez steaks
see where it *all* happened
over two hundred years ago.

we ate great
we saw lots of stuff,
even took an hour long
carriage ride thruout the old city
rittenhouse park and society hill
but best part was
the view
from our hotel window
up on the 22nd floor!
(i kid you not,
we had nothing to do with it)
we looked down at an old cathedral
with the rest of the city
sprawling behind it
it was a most
inspiring sight

but it was hard for me,
i was all wobbley
unsteady on my feet.
we walked and walked
till i could walk no more
hence the carriage ride
and plenty of taxis

it was nice to be away
all snuggled up
in our king sized bed.
the sheets were cool
against our skin
bodies intertwined

what a great adventure
it turned out to be
we laughed a lot
saw lots of fun things,
both on the road less travelled,
which we prefer
and the ones where all the tourists
seemed to be.

it was all good!

pool party

i was at the
end-of-the-year-pool party today
there were sooo many kids
ice cream, games and fun
zack sat up in 'the' chair
twirling his whistle.
i hid in the corner
in the shade

there were so many kids,
and so many moms
i was rendered speechless
everyone tawkin 'bout their
own thing
doin this or
doin that.

i still get up oh-so-slowly,
wobbley as i go
i know i will never be the same anymore
its like my pilot light is been
snuffed out


i've lost the gift of gab
women who i used to be able
to tawk and tawk with,
for hours and hours
Now?
there is dead air.
it hangs there between us
i can feel it.
please help me
to make it go away

this made me laff!

My Offspring

zack is all lined up for work
guarding lives at the pool.
what is it with
the whistle twirl?
strutting, preening & prancing
he waited his whole life
for this.

he used to play life guard
when he was little
when all we had was a
blue plastic pool with
a built-in slide.
but now-a-days
he is all that
and more.

you make me very proud to be
your mom, zack
i have enjoyed watching you
from afar cheering you on
your drums & swimming
you are a leader
use it to your advantage


zoe has made such progress this year too
all A honor roll,
student of the quarter,
national junior honor society.
she may have danced her last recital,
but the moves are so ingrained
as she dances 'round the house
she will always be
my sweet little ballerina
jumping in,
gettin jiggy wit it
leaving her mark.
hah! remind you of
anyone?

the coolness of her skin
and the final back-scratch
of the day
it is my most treasured time
her hands feel so good in mine
always
always
for ever and ever.
amen

you are my precious flower
i am enjoying watching you blossom


zack & zoe: i love you guys!
i just wanted you to know

A Community of Angels

all around me
here and there
cul du sac by cul du sac
is a community of angels
women who are looking
out for me
cooking for me
watching me
protecting me
planning for me

to say that i am
humbled
by this experience
is truly an understatement

i love you all so much

Italia

oh my gosh
oh my gosh
oh my gosh
oh. my. gosh.

rick and i are going to italy!
its true, its true

kim came by today
with her plan in a
notebook.
full of stuff
maps and info
i was speechless
i still am

she asked me
sometime ago
that if there was just one thing
i could do before i died,
what would it be?
without hesitation i said
Italy!

as she sat in my kitchen
what opened and happened
before me
became a plan!
with 18 (to start off with)
questions
maps and flight info
dates...

lets say september
when its getting cooler
kids are in school
the time of year when i reflect
high holidays and all that
its also yom kippur.
and the 22 of the month.
(the one year anniversary
of my hospital admitance)

we both just screamed
when we saw the date!
its freaky i tell ya
i bet there is a
full moon there too

i am shaking my head
in disbelief
connections, people who know people
frequent flier miles
dear friends stationed in Rome
this is her gift to me!
a plan
i could not have put together
a better one myself
(especially these days)

oh kim!
i love you.
you busy little expeditor,
you.
ciao bella!

ode to elaine*

there sure is something satisfying
about the zen
of getting bronzed
wearing the perfect tanning top
that shows a great glow

as i look up
i find the spot in the sky
become one with the sun
smile
close my eyesand say:
MMMMMMMMMM

i dare say its not vanity
that drives me either
to get that perfect glow
it goes much deeper than that
to the essence of who i am

i need the warmth and comfort
that only summer can bring
there is no better feeling in the world
its so hard to explain
no matter where you are,
be it on vacation
or right here at home
the conditions were just right
today

exercising my brain
or walking
good and strong
it was my day



*originally published 4/21/07

blanket*

i've lost my voice
its no where to be found
time has served no warning
no backward glance
i only speak in metaphors
like twinkly sparkles in the sand

yesterday was no accident
the girl i noticed so
with the flippy hair and straight white teeth
a rehab nurse, imagine that
brain trauma center on my bus,
with me
to chaperone a bunch of high school band geeks
the reality of my situation
has not gone un-noticed
there are people who care
and worry about me
the situation is still unfolding
like a blanket in the breeze
always fluid
everchanging



*originally published 9/16/06

a subtle understanding*

i am at the end (beginning?) of a long tunnel
my perspective is lengthened
by the vast division i feel between ME
and the-rest-of-the-world
i feel so detached,
so seperated by a lifetime of differences
cultural, medical, economic, dysfunctional and abusive.

here's to those that blossomed
under the best of conditions
and those of us that did not
i will basque in your light
and find strength there

i must stay strong

treading water frantically
lonely in a crowd of people,
my life may be ending
within a year or two
i feel further away than ever

i am watching you all
from waaaay over here,
and see the chasm between us
growing ever wider.

i never had the opportunity
to feel tethered
grounded
held firm
protected

i thought i did
but i see i was wrong.
so its one big, long, vast expanse
the deeper i get
the further i go from here
the more comfort i feel there,
waiting for me on the other side

a collective of souls
all reminding me to be
patient and realistic
understand my gifts
and limitations
a quiet inner resolve
giving me strength
and a sharper focus
my hungry heart must be filled



*originally published: aug 20, 2006

Gold's gym*

its too hot outside
to tackle gardening
or tanning (god forbid)
even walking,
was cut short
but this morning
was Yoga!

inhale exhale
breathe in and out
reaching stretching
but all the while
staying grounded
as if the feet were planted in the earth
stay strong
its exhausting
and empowering
all at the same time
i am so loving it!
who knew?

so i joined the gym.
not that i ever plan on getting
on those huge machines
outside our classroom:
treadmills,stairmasters,
stuff i never knew about like boflex.
hey, howz this?
bLowflex me, bub

i'll be in the next room
lieing down
with my eyes closed,
getting totally Zen



*originally published 5/31/07

yoga*

the balance
the even-ess
all alligned
right in a row
breathing
in and out
smooth-ness
low from one
to another
it is my mind and body
of which i am aware

salutations my friend
from me to you
colorful images
come into my brain
as i shift from one
to the next
to the next, again

the movements feel
easier over time
as i explore the range
with which i can go
how far will this take me
will it last
can i make it work
to take me into the future



*originally published 5/27/07

the tide is turning*

i guess its been a couple of weeks now
the after-party from my brain tumor race,
one of my new goddess girlfriends,
someone who has taken hold of me
and won't let go
put something on my wrist that day

it was a bracelet of glass beads
with an evil eye in the center
she said this will protect me
from anything bad or evil
she squeezed me so tight
the intensity with which
she gave it to me,
i will never forget.

evidently she is a world traveler
having been from one side of the earth
to the other and back again
her hair is short and cute as can be
i have watched her from afar
in wonderment
amazed at all she has accomplished

my point?
after she put those beads on me that day
(which i have since put on a gold chain to wear around my neck)
something *changed*
my mojo has returned
i have more energy
my yoga classes are working out great
i feel more like the old me,
or make that the 'new' me.
there has been a profound
shift in the cosmic cycle
the tide is turning
toward the light

thank you shawn!





*originally published 5/16/07

the race for HOPE*

the big race day!

the weather was glorious

breezy, sunny

not too cool or warm

just perfect

at least 30 of ellie's peeps ran,

walked, or jogged

rick pushed me in the wheelchair

decorated with colorful wire and tinsel

zoe made the sign that showed so proud

al made all the 'ellie's peeps' tee shirts

for ALL of us complete

with actual pictures of Peeps in different colors.

too too cute i tell you!

the survivors got in front they led the charge.

of those that ran,

they were gone in a POOF!

the others walked with me

it was so inspiring

thousands of us

last count i heard was 6,000 people!

i was moved to tears. but,

as i sat in my wheelchair

looking at everyone's backs near and far,

i was struck by the messages people were wearing:

In Loving Memory of ....

everywhere

there were waay more people with messages of loss,

than there was messages of hope and survivors.

perhaps in a year or two

my name will be on someone's back.

i can wait

*originally published 5/6/07

twenty-two*

the number: 22
its been following me all. my. life.

every time i look at the clock
for example
its 22 after the hour
which happens to be my birthdate
but consistantly
day after day,
week after week
year after year
every date
every receipt
every ticket,
coat check or otherwise.
even the cabin number
on our cruise,
and the number of our villa
in florida

my dear on-line girlfriend:
barefootgirl22 and 'the' birthday
oh, and lets not forget the date
I was admitted to the hospital
September 22

today, all day
every time i looked at the clock
it was 22 after the hour
and just now
the page in a book i am reading
about Goddesses
her name is Eponai
I liked her right away
she is a Celtic healing goddess
who is celebrated with her own festival in Rome
wouldn't you know
loves all things kids and animals
miss ellie, miss ellie!
you're home, you're home!

well, it made me jump
when i saw the number on the page
a 22!
with anE?? for ellen?!?

and Ezilaa
a Haitian goddess of love,
some voodoo for yoo-oo
she cries for the *shortness of life*
me too, I cry everyday.
still.
and dancing, she loves to dance
in my head,
i hear that black chick
telling me in that club in NYC:
"you sure dance good for a white girl!"

22zz22zz22zz22zz22zz22
zackzoezackzoezackzoe
please tell me how i knew?
it tick tocks
back and forth
in its comfortable state
its no wonder
i got me some rhythm

its freaky
or maybe its not
this rhythm of ME
i feel like i am being sucked into the vortex
the culmination of ME, is it?
i've made the right choices
just chugging along

i am blessed, yes indeed
just when i needed it the most.
is it all preordained, the dates been set?
When will the tick tocking stop?
A 22 you know it will be
but will it be
the minute
the date
the year?
2022

mmm, that sounds good. I'll take it.




*originally published 11/17/06

the past 6-8 weeks*

...have been a blur.

i am limited in what i can do
driving a car is out of the question
i feel like a caged animal
pacing back and forth
my hair is just lovely
i gag everytime i look at it
scaaaary

started with my course of chemo
1 week on (double dose) 3 weeks off
i hope it goes better this time than it did last.
i was hurling so hard
i had to put myselfout of my body
just to get thru
the first couple of nights.
then i got a new anti-nausea med
and things from there on out
seemed to be ok

but, everything tastes metallic
i can only eat
a little at a time,
then i want to hurl again.
chicken and tomatoes and rice or noodles
it must be the acidity in the tomatoes
i shudder everytime i put some in my mouth.

i am grateful to each and everyone of my friends
but i am so tired of talking about *this*
everyday is different
yet always the same
my handwriting is different(everything is a mess)
i have short term memory loss(must write stuff down immediately)
i move slow
i have a tendancy to veer to the right
i don't feel steady on my feet
my hands are shaking terribly
(try putting on nail polish with shakey hands!)

like a marionette puppet
someone is controlling my strings
from way up high
i don't feel grounded at all
i am all wobbly
if you didn't know,you'd think i was drunk.
they say its the side effect of radiation
burning my brain cells

i signed up for a yoga class
with mother-in-law.
bless her heart
she has been doing yoga for 50+ years.
she is the most centered person i know.
my inner core is out of wack
i need something to make it right
i am afraid i am running out of time




originally posted 2/15/07

moments in time*

its not just the moments in time
however poignant they may be
i just wish they didn't feel so trivial,
so in-consequential
in the grand scheme of things.

its the distance of years
that love depends on
the vastness of time
that tells of a great love story
the long haul across the country
where we've been,
and where we're going
in a rented RV
the memories
we still have yet to build
do i dare

plan for the future?



*originally published 12/27/06

Synchronicity*

click, click, click
everything just falling into place
over the years and years
its always just click, click, clicked

our full moons
our rainbows
always looking up in the sky
towards that unknown thing
on up ahead
not so far in the distance
but just out of reach

it has not swung its last rep
nor slowed down at least
its just another click, click, click
don't worry too much
i am not done yet



*originally posted 11/06

phase two

i will try to get all my poems
past, present and future
in chronological order
for your reading pleasure.
its been a work in progress:

among my favorites:

the discovery channel

the intense heat
of these extreme summer days
sizzing outside,
and inside too
a fire that is burning
deep inside the ground
chemicals to inject
a burning hell

like the TV show
about pompeii
i saw last nite
hot explosions
of misery and fear
raining down
stopped in their tracks
right where they stood
life in motion
frozen in time
forever memorialized
cut
down

but
some survived
escaped the pain
reached freedom
to life anew
planted new roots
start from scratch
begin again
the key to success?
they got out early
before
the weight of the world
shed its terror
bearing down on them
over and over
buried
before it was too late

for me
only time will tell
how long i lingered
and rode the wave
toward a new home
or a premature grave
like my grandma esta
cut down
taken away
in no time at all

i am pleased with the journey
my life is rich
it has been fun
i am happy with my choices
live life to the fullest
as deep and wide as i go
tho it is no secret
my heart hungers for more,
i am a surviver
to hell and back
again and again
i can take the heat

its a line from bruuuce

lookie, lookie here!

i made a blog.

of my poems, pix
maybe a random thought or two
it seemed much easier
than emailing
all my peeps.
it seems that i have all these
creative juices flowing
and i feel the need
to share.

welcome!